I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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