my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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