ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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