There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
