its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
