Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
There's always time for handjobs
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
