I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
