I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
