I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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