threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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