life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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