so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
