If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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