What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Randomize
