Need sex. Gaining weight.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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