how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
