I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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