When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
