hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
the condom got lost in my hair
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
