oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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