just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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