there's paper in my vomit.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
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