She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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