I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
