Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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