When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
