Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
