you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
