Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
