You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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