I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
