I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
