Your face is a jimmy john
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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