I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
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