Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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