I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You're a waste of cheezeits
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
