i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
