Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
