I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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