I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
