i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just sent this text using only my big toe
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
