I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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