Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
