In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
