Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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