You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Life is so much better after having sex.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
