I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
