You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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