No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
