The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
