So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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