Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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